Lessons Learned: The Way of Hard Knocks

Learning to Trust

2008-03-27T09:55:00.001-07:00

Lately a huge vice of mine has become more and more apparent, to the point where I know God is making it clear because He wants me to fix it. Essentially, I don't trust enough. Various circumstances in my life and experiences have caused a certain lack of trust in other people. Its really a very prideful, selfish, and, in many cases, an attention-seeking vice.

The more I think on it, the more I can see where my negative reaction to the circumstances around me caused this lack of trust. Some circumstances were out of my hands: being left alone as a small child in my biological father's apartment, without proper food. Rejection by my best friend, when I returned home from Trinity, not the person I was before. Several of my father's brief returns to my life, in which he demonstrated his incapacity to act as a father in my life. But much more frequent are the circumstances which I had control over. Translating discipline negatively at Trinity, giving my heart away too quickly to the wrong boy because of a desperate desire to be loved, and the miniscule day-to-day things I hold on to, which are almost all unintentional on the part of others, anyway! Its just like my mama always says, (aaaaah, I just said my mama was right) "The world doesn't revolve around you." And, to be truthful, while I may not have had control over some of the situations, I always have the ability to control my emotions and reactions.

This distrust manifests itself in my relationships now, and I make the people who love me suffer. More than once, I've pushed friends away because I didn't think they'd stick around after an argument, or after something horrible I did. Yet my close friends are still here, even after the stupid things I've said and done. After exposing some "dark" secret to a close friend, family member, or my boyfriend, I am sure they will reject me. It even manifests itself in my relationship with God, and a lack of trust in His mercy and love. Sure, I have a reason to be hesitant to trust people who've hurt me in those bigger ways, but why be hesitant with these people who love me so much, and especially why distrust my loving Heavenly Father? The key, then, I think, is to teach my heart who to trust in love. Or, even beyond that, to gain a healthy control over my emotions, so that I can love without fear of getting hurt, and heal healthily when others inevitably hurt me. I don't say that in a woe-is-me manner; indeed, I should accept the minor offenses people lead against me as recompense for the disastrous wounds I've caused so many people I love. Honestly, half the time, I blow offenses far out of proportion because I'm not even close to having discipline over my own sensitivity yet. A lot of it has to do with my personality type; INFP's are extremely sensitive. I think the key in gaining a balance with my sensitive nature is to be ultimately trustful in God, Who will never disappoint me, and, as Pollyanna would put it, to "look for the good in others", rather than pridefully assuming their reactions to me will be negative.

Even as I type this, I selfishly anticipate the judgments of others. I imagine the criticisms they will form in their minds, I feel sure they will look down on me. What is it, anyway, that makes me so concerned with the opinions of others? Perhaps too low of an opinion of myself.

But that's another post, for another day. :)

I just climbed a mountain...

2007-12-11T13:13:00.000-08:00

...and as I was making the agonizing ascent, I kept asking myself, "Why on earth do people climb mountains?" When your legs are in agony, the breath is painfully caught in your chest, and the end seems no where close, climbing a mountain seems quite ridiculous. The temptation to give up is ever present. And yet, millions of people each year choose to climb mountains—me being one of them. I think we know, from either theory or experience, that climbing a mountain will be worth it. And it is! Because in that moment when you finally reach the top and, in great satisfaction and delight, look back at how far you have come, you realize that whatever pain you experienced, whatever suffering you endured to get to that point not only becomes a mere shadow but almost makes the triumph of having overcome it that much greater!

This morning's experience reminded me of a specific day at Trinity. We were all running due to a group punishment (which only one anonymous person was actually culpable for) that had been going on for quite some time. But on this particular day, we were required to run much farther than ever before. And not just that but it was perhaps the windiest day I had ever known. The wind was blowing so hard that we were being literally tossed across the road and no matter how many steps we took, the end always seemed just as far away. But that day I came to the very strong conclusion that if I could finish that run, I could do anything—big or small. We were all on the brink of tears when we finally finished it but I don't think I would have traded that accomplishment for anything.

Recently, I have been forgetting that lesson. I have been getting very discouraged over how difficult it is to lead a virtuous life in the small matters and, as a result, becoming very negligent. Doing great things and making big decisions always seem so much more effective and wonderful than the puny every days. But I think what I have been overlooking is the fact that climbing a mountain, or finishing some near-impossible task, is still made up of doing one ordinary thing after the next. Step after step. Until finally, you are there, at the top.

And it is the satisfaction of looking back, and in surprise, seeing how far you have come that makes the journey so worth the while.

God Winks

2007-12-10T21:03:00.000-08:00

For the times when you know God's just given you a kiss on the nose. :)

My short story is that I was sweeping one day at work, and feeling particularly lonely. And I became so frustrated that finally I burst out (in my heart, not out loud, of course:) to God "Why must I always feel SO alone? How come I never get the attention I want so badly? How much I would love just to have someone's attention right NOW." And I heard a voice say, very clearly, "Oh, but you do have attention. You have MY undivided attention. Can I have yours?" That's all. I've been working on giving Him my undivided attention ever since. I have a loooong way to go. :)

The Hard Knocks

2007-12-09T18:05:00.000-08:00

Post stories of your post-Trinity experiences here. :)